her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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