Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
