She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
