We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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