I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
