roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
time to smoke my breakfast
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
