This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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