tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
