We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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