im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
