my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
