my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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