So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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