I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
