just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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