youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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