Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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