there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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