why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
