you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
