wrigley field is MILF paradise
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I've blown a few things in my day
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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