nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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