Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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