sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
