Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
