i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
