Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
