In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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