NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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