Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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