Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
