Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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