I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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