omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
