I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
