Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
