I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
