Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
