I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
