Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
