Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And then he peed in my hair
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