I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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