There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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