Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
