He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
