i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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