I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Don't make out with my wife yet
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
