i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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