We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
