Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
